J. S. Kuiken

I have been duly informed that The Hobbit commits the grave sin of trying to imbue the story and characters with filthy, degrading Irony, of all things!!!

I believe that Irony has become so crassly omnipresent that it is the most debased form of wit, far lower than jokes about unpleasant bodily functions and moribunded babies. Irony never was part of Tolkien’s original canon; such a suggestion is clearly outlandish and heretical at best.

As further proof that Irony is the lowest and most debased form of wit: no author of actual merit or repute ever used irony with appropriate gravitas, intelligence, or profound artistry.

Additionally, it will be noted that adaptations must always strictly adhere to canon, always. They can never be updated to address a current audience. Such a thing would, again, be utterly base. It is also a well proven fact that audience tastes have remained static since the beginning of human history, just as the structure and style of our stories have remained exactly the same since we first began to write them down.

Thence, the use of Irony in Mr. Jackson’s corrupt and degraded adaptation of The Hobbit is clearly a radical and unorthodox departure. It is far afield not only of established literary and cultural tastes, but also of what Tolkien envisioned for his works of epic fantasy — wherein an imaginary race of people (Hobbits) save the world from being obliterated by evil, which is personified by a character best described as “a giant disembodied flaming eyeball”.

I would like to thank the astute and well educated author for taking the time to pen this artful and erudite piece. This piece is so shattering, so monumentally unironic, that it transcends the author’s opinion, elevating it to something else entirely.